 |
| An English 60 mph road. I swear.* (Wiki commons) |
I also lack the gene for suffering fools gladly; this is something like the above, but a fool is a fool all the time, while anyone may be stupid once from time to time. Thus with the first statement, I won't necessarily write the person off. Fools? Gone, early and often.
I lack a gene for eating horse meat; I would puke.
I lack the gene for watching reality shows. Well, I did lack it. I think I must have had some unrecognized gene therapy, because I have now watched 14 weeks of the current 15-week run of Hell's Kitchen--despite the fact that there is NO ONE I can champion to win, and one of the two finalists is the most arrogant SOB I've ever seen still alive after the age of 18. (Usually, someone has pounded them by then and they're either human or dead.)
I also lack the following genes:
- Backing into a supermarket parking bay.
- Taking 22 minutes to make a three-point turn in the road while using the parking brake and doing The Exorcist head twirl with each move backward or forward.
- Coming into a roundabout (Americans will read traffic circle) at 4 miles per hour.
- Considering a Stop sign (one of those big red things that say, in no uncertain terms, STOP, which are the same in both countries) to be an invitation to roll through in first gear.
- Failing to gasp that you just keep going when the center line has disappeared on a 60 mph two-lane road cut between two rock-based hedgerows when a disarticulated lorry (Americans will read semi) is hurtling at you downhill around a curve while using 3/4 of a road as wide--exactly--as two compact cars. When the center line is absent it means the road is literally less than the width of two compact cars.
- Backing around a corner. It is illegal here to back into a main road, but perfectly legal, and expected, to back into a side road from a main road. Don't let questions of whizzing traffic on the mainly two-lane 60 mph main roads concern you; they don't. But I'm telling you, one has to have a gene for this.
1. Easy-peasy, he said. He's so unworried about it, he's not even going to bother with it until right before the test. OK. I'll agree with him on that. There's a formula. Plus--which at least makes me feel better--he says it's nuts. "Who would actually do that?" he wondered aloud. "You usually want the back of the car to the rear so you can load the groceries in the boot (Americans will read trunk.)
2. Three-point turn. No, you don't really need to take 22-minutes as the bad instructor said. But The Exorcist head twirl is a requirement. You can actually touch the curb with the wheels and not fail, as long as there is no human or dog in sight along that pavement (Americans will read sidewalk). So you might as well plan on not going back or pulling forward that far ever; as it happens, you can take five, or even seven, "points" to do the turn--as long as you don't fail the head twirl or bump a curb when a person is within the county. (I think I can make up for this missing gene. OK, so in NY, you make the turn as fast as humanly possible so you don't get nailed in the side or honked at by some meshuginah putz or goombah.....But I can do this one. I can. Really.)
3. Nah, this was just too nuts, the figment of the bad instructor's imagination. If you crawl toward a roundabout that slowly, traffic will be backed up to Edinburgh. His attitude was based on the eco-driving move by the Driving Standards Agency, and is sometimes taught to brand new drivers--17-year-olds--because why not? Why not? Said Ryan, part of it is the block shifting, from fifth to second in one go. Although most newer cars will do it easily, some new drivers cannot--just plain cannot--do it, Ryan said. Maybe they lack the gene!
4. We haven't tackled this one yet. I just treat a stop sign like a stop sign; must be my stop sign gene kicking in. But I feel certain I can learn to creep or roll through it like so many BAD U.S. drivers do.
5. There is really only one thing to say about this:
OH, NOOOOOOOOOOO!
Ryan has worked with me on this from the beginning. And mainly, I now leave the foliage covering hedgerows where it is. Worst case: I will slow to a crawl and let the massive vehicle (Americans read huge truck) pass me rather than try to wedge both of us in there at once, with the obvious margin for error and possibly dire results, which is, as it happens, perfectly acceptable on the test. So at least somewhere, someone at the Driving Standards Agency knows the roads are bizarre.
6. Backing around a corner. The reason for doing The Exorcist head twirl here is so there are no surprises, such as people plowing into you while you're on the corner, or backing into it or beyond it.
Indeed. No, we DON'T want surprises like that! But think how much less surprising it would be if we JUST DIDN'T FREAKING DO IT? I mean, how hard is it, especially in a small country, to go a few miles to the next town if need be, find a good turning place (a roundabout, a car park, a one-way system to bring you back around)? Or even turn while moving forward into a side street and then make a three-point turn? Even if it takes you 20 minutes, isn't that better than risking getting whacked two ways by BACKING FROM A MAIN ROAD INTO A SIDE ROAD?
OK. OK. I can see I need some serious gene therapy on that one to pass the UK Practical Driving Test.**
* It would literally be rated at the national speed limit, which is 60 mph, because it is not in a built-up area. This means you CAN do 60, if conditions permit. Or if you have that gene. Most Americans have the gene that dictates not doing it for fear of dropping off the edge on one side or taking home some hedgerow on the other.
**Yes, using the word practical while demanding drivers learn to do perfectly things they will never do again is a little oxymoronic.
No comments:
Post a Comment